Chapter 19 - I'm sorry.
its all your fault.
it's all.... it's all...
I pulled the blankets over my head, trying to block out the bad thoughts. Og course, the darkness only brought them on.
It had been weeks since I was attacked, and I was still feeling the pain of it. Jake gave up on me, he said he didn't know what to do and just left. Left me to my room while he stayed out in the livingroom with his video games and dog. I knew he hated me, he hates me because I cheated. I should've faught back harder but I let my attacker fuck me and I bet I was drunk enough to like it. I'm a slut I'm a slut I'm...
The door opened, I saw Jake's shadow against the wall. He tapped me on the shoulder softly, leaning over me and holding something. "CC." he sang in a low voice.
I braught you something." he sat something down on the bed, I rolled over to see what it was.
It was a teddy bear, a bit bigger then Trixie. It had a pink and purple bow and little black eyes that glowed softly in the darkness. i turned it over in my hands, stitched into the back was the words "Jake and CC" with a tiny heart in blue thread. I sat up and hugged him, pulling him close to me.
He hugged back, keeping the cuddle position for way too long before kissing me for a couple seconds.
"Thanks Jakey." I said, hugging it.
"I just wanted to be nice." he said, leaving again.
I hugged the bear, holding it close to me. I liked that he was trying to cheer me up, but...
I shook my head, settling down again and curling up.
I woke up a few hours later to my phone ringing. It was Sandra.
"CC hey." she said "I...wanted to tell you something."
"I don't think I'll be quitting. I mean, not many other bands are hireing-"
"CC please understand. I'm sure you'll get into a great band someday." she said, trying to cheer me up.
"You said you were...you said so." i said. I could feel tears coming on again.
"Isaid I might...CC I'm so sorry." she said. "We're due back in the studio within a few hours, I don't think I can do it."
I covered my mouth to muffle sobs. "Okay. Its okay, I won't complain. Maybe I'll get in a band, maybe I won't its okay." I hung up before she could say anything.
Nothing. I am not nothing. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.
"CC I'm going to the studio, I'll be back tonight!" Jake called.
I was left alone in the apartment, all by myself. I got out of bed and went out to the hallway, running my fingers along the wall as I walked toward the living room. Trixie was asleep in her cage, the door was locked and the windows were drawn. The bad thoughts still flooded my head, calling me names, making me upset....
I locked myself in the bathroom and started crying. I kicked the door and banged my head on the wall, stripped off my clothes and stared at myself in the mirror. My legs had burn scars on them, since I've been using my leg to put out cigerettes, the burning sensation made me feel better yet angrier, throwing me down into the depths of depression even more. I could see my ribs, since I've barely eaten. My tattoos were shrinking, I just looked plain disgusting.
"You're UGLY!" I screamed at myself "NOTHING! NOTHING CC! NOTHING!" I raised my fist and slammed it against the mirrior, it shattered on impact and sent shards in my knuckles.
I swore at the pain, pulling the shards out of my fist and throwing them down in the sink.
Its all YOUR FAULT!
Nobody loves you
YOU'RE NOTHING! NOTHING CC!
I sunk to my knees. "Make it stop...make it stop..."
I picked up a shard of glass, examining it, testing its sharpness on my arm. Razor sharp.
I turned on the water in the bathtub and sat down on the side, making sure the water was nice and warm and comfortable.
"I'm sorry Jake." I breathed.